Germany's Precious
by McVitie
Summary: Germany is relaxing one day in his house when he suddenly realizes that his one true love has been snatched from right under his nose. Will he ever see them again? (A collaboration with KokoLolo!)


Germany's hand searched the fridge, his eyebrows furrowed into a frown. His fingers moved over packages of bratwurst and cans of beer, but it didn't detect the one thing he wanted the most. No, the thing he _needed._

"Where is it?" he muttered to himself as his search continued. After a minute of groping around, he finally pulled his hand out of the fridge. Then checked his back pants pockets just to be certain that he was out.A drop of sweat rolled down his face, and his frown merged into an expression of panic. He simply couldn't be out. It just didn't happen._  
_He swung the fridge door shut, staring blankly at the magnets on the white surface. _  
_With a sudden motion, he leaped out of the kitchen and towards the hall, pulling on a pair of boots and a vest, and grabbing his pistol. He needed his Precious._ It must be found. _

Only after sprinting to his car with a dance number did he realize that he forgot his car keys. He raced back inside his home, grabbed his keys then went back to the car. Man, was this affecting his brain. He hastily shoved the key into the ignition, and gave it a yank to get the car started. Germany reversed out of his driveway rather carelessly, almost squashing a neighbour's cat in the process, and then floored the accelerator as he sped towards the supermarket, the one place he could rely on in such dire times as this. When could his Precious have disappeared? He remembered having one earlier that day after all! This was suspicious.

The supermarket soon came into view, and the German immediately parked the car. He loaded his pistol, then kicked the car door open, leaving a noticable dent.

His ice blue eyes narrowed as he stared down the automatic doors, storming towards them. They opened for him, clearly out of pure fear and undying respect for his cause.  
Germany's usually slicked hair fell in front of his eyes as he plowed through the aisles towards his destination, scattering small children left and right as he scanned the shelves for his heart's desire.

One of the checkout workers was whispering over the phone for the police as soon as they spotted the pistol in the German's hand. Germany however ignored the many people cowering back behind objects and was searching the shelves for what he needed. His face became twisted in a menacing grimace as he reached the shelf on which his Precious usually resided. The German man's muscled legs suddenly ceased to work as he saw what was on the shelf. Or rather, what was not on the shelf.

His booming voice echoed throughout the supermarket, startling every shopper, "WHERE IS THE CAPRI SUN?!

A baby's terrified cries rang throughout the store and Germany marched up to one of the checkout counters and slammed his huge hands down on the counter.  
"WHERE IS IT?" he bellowed. The scrawny, spotty teenager behind the desk cowered, releasing a small squeak as his eyes met Germany's.

"Wh-where is wh-what, sir?" the boy stammered.  
"THE CAPRI SUN." Germany was trembling with anger now, looking ready to erupt. He repeated again, "WHERE. IS. IT?:  
"Oh golly." the boy squeaked. He glanced around himself, searching for someone to help him. He hoarsely called out, "Nobody? Really..?"

A pretty, plump young woman of around twenty came out from behind a fruit aisle, trembling a little under the German's furious, icy glare.  
"S-sir," she stammered. "A- a tall, skinny, pale man bought them all earlier, e-every last one of t-them!" the woman said very quickly, chewing her nail nervously. Germany's glare intensified and she squeaked.  
"What did he look like?" Germany growled in a low tone.  
"I- I don't remember sir, b-but he had a d-dark coat on, and he was almost as t-tall as you are sir!" she stuttered, shaking in fear of the huge man before her.

Germany arched an eyebrow at the woman, "Is that all?!"  
"He left this..." she held up an empty capri sun pouch of the apple flavored variety.  
Germany gasped, swiping it out of her grasp, "EIN _CLUE!_" he roared.

He studied the wrapper, an idea of who could've bought out the store forming in his head. But he needed more clues! Could there not be-  
His thoughts were interrupted by a loud cheeping sound which caused him to snap his head around quickly. There, perched on top of the sweets aisle, was Gilbird, a smug expression on his little orange beak. Germany moved slowly towards the little bird, pulling a large sack out of his pocket.  
Sneaking up behind the twittering little fiend, he quickly threw the sack down over the little bird. Gilbird cheeped angrily inside the heavy, dark sack.

"I've got you now, you twittering little avian! Where is he? What has he done with my Precious?" Germany roared. The shoppers cowered behind their trollies.

Gilbird's cheeps were higher pitched now, sounding more like a scream. Germany glared at the sack, shaking it in hope of the bird speaking after being injured.

"Not speaking, hm?!" Germany was growing more and more manic by the second. "Fine! Then we'll have to do it the hard way."

Tossing the sack over his shoulder, Germany started his way to the stationary section in the store. All he'll need to do is write a ransom note to the thief himself. When he found the papers, he tossed the sack aside, after making sure the top was sealed, and started writing the letter.

Germany furrowed his eyebrows, trying to think how to phrase the letter. Eventually he decided.  
"Dear Gilbert" the letter read.  
"I know what you have done. You have stolen my Precious, all of it, and I've got proof of it, after all, why else would Gilbird be in the supermarket?  
It'd be an awful shame for something terrible to happen to Gilbird, now, wouldn't it?  
Bring orange Capri Suns and we'll talk."

Perfect! He held up the letter proudly, before stuffing it into an envelope. He handed it to a teen he tied up to a chair, stating, "Take this to Gilbert Beilschmidt."  
The teenager stared at him with wide eyes, his voice muffled by the cloth tied around his mouth. Germany's mouth twisted into a snarl, and the teenager yelped, taking off at speed out of the supermarket and sprinting to wherever Gilbert was.

A tense half-hour passed by in silence, the only noises were the sounds of Germany stroking his gun, and his heavy, furious breathing. When the terrified teenager ran through the door, Prussia stumbling in behind him, everyone sighed in relief.

"YOU!" Germany roared. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY PRECIOUS?" he bellowed, grabbing Prussia's shirt collar and shaking him. Prussia's eyebrows furrowed together.

"What? Why do you sound like that Gollum guy from Lord of the-"

"TELL ME WHERE MY PRECIOUS IS OR-"

"West, chill out." Prussia rolled his eyes, "what do you mean by 'precious' anyway."

Germany took a deep breath in through his nose, his face an impressive shade of maroon.  
"My precious!" he said, trying to keep his voice level. "My one true love!"

"Ok, ok dude, what is her actual name?" Prussia snickered.  
"Capri Sun does not have a gender!" Germany snarled. The albino in front of him almost collapsed laughing.

"Oh, mein Gott, Bruder! Du bist so komisch! Du verliebte sich in-" Prussia cried, clutching his side. Suddenly he straightened up, a strange expression on his face.  
"Holy crap, you're actually serious." he said, his red eyes wide.

"Of course I am!" Germany snapped. "Where is my Precious?!"

"In the car, but-"

Shoving the albino aside, Germany raced through the automatic doors to the Volkswagon parked in the parking lot.

Flinging the metal door open, the German began his search for his Precious.

"WHERE IS IT?" he roared. Prussia smirked and pulled a bag of 10 orange flavour Capri Suns out of the boot.

"MEIN LIEBE!" Germany cried, hurriedly inspecting all of the packets. "What did he do to you? Are you hurt?"

Prussia stared at Germany, wondering if his brother's mentality had finally cracked.

'Italy must've really driven him over the edge this time...' he thought, scratch the back of his head. He crossed his arms, "West, are you... all there?" he asked. Germany glared at him, eyes like daggers.  
"I'm not fine! You bought all the Capri Sun!" he yelled, his face magenta.

"Whoa whoa whoa, wait! Wait!" Prussia said quickly. "Wait... I didn't buy all the Capri Suns..." he said, confused.

"Then who did?!" he shouted at his elder brother who was looking utterly puzzled.

"Uh... not me?" Prussia replied slowly, frowning.

"I don't understand..." Germany looked torn. He was so sure it was Prussia who took his Precious. It just seemed the sort of thing he would do.  
"We're going to have to investigate this!" Germany growled, leaping into a standing position. Prussia took a similar stance, and Ludwig looked across, a little surprised.  
"You're coming with me?" he asked, puzzled.  
"Of course!" he cried. "This guy caused you to kidnap my Gilbird! He must pay for what he's done!" he roared, smashing a glass bottle against a wall.  
"Oh yeah, about that..." Prussia said, making a grabbing motion with his hand. Germany grinned sheepishly, handing the little bird to his older brother.

"Ok, we're going to have to drive back to the shop!" Prussia said, his face in an identical expression of determination to Germany's. "We'll start the investigation there!" he said. They began to drive the Volkswagen towards the shop, when suddenly, Prussia roared, "THERE!"

There, driving across the road, was Austria in a big white van. In the passenger seat were several crates of Capri Suns and the back was clearly stacked too.

"HOLY **SHIT**!" they screamed in unison. "TURN TURN TURN!"

Prussia reached across Germany to turn the steering wheel, causing the car to make a dangerous U-turn. Germany pressed his foot down on the gas pedal and the car accelerated forward. The only thing that could make this scene cooler was some Queen.

Prussia was on that, he already dug through his stack of CD's and popped the disc in. With the song "Stone Cold Crazy" blasting through the speakers, the brothers tore through the streets at about 115 miles per hour, cars around them speeding to get out of the way and crashing into each other left, right and center. Police sirens wailed in the distance.  
Prussia leaned out the window, and made a strange clicking noise, then he hollered  
"PRUSSIAN ARMY, RISE AND ATTACK! AT ARMS!"

Suddenly, Gilbird, the Flying Mint Bunny, and several hundred of France's "Pierre" birds plus Mr Tortuga came screaming towards them.

Austria heard the obnoxious bird chirps and screams from behind, he glanced behind him to see the group of birds flying directly towards him, "Oh no!"  
Austria was far too proper to cuss after all.

He tried to press down on the gas to realize this was as fast as the van could go, "Son of a bitch." he muttered, contradicting the previous statement.  
There was a loud hammering sound, like someone firing bullets into a sheet of metal, and Austria's head snapped around to see the Pierres launching themselves at his doors. Several dents were beginning to appear.

Normally he didn't swear but this situation was different. He had unfortunately just turned down a little dark alley.

"Fuck!" he yelled, trying to quickly reverse back out, but Prussia and Germany had closed in on him.  
The Germans skidded to a stop, leaping out of the car. Prussia and Germany both carried high pressure water pistols in their left hands, and Germany held a rifle in his right.

"Put your hands up, Austria!" Prussia shouted, pointing at the rifle in Germany's clutches, " or you'll get a faceful of that!" he then snickered. This whole event was by far the most fun the albino has had in a while.

"Never!" Austria shouted before jumping up when he heard Germany cock the gun.

Immediately the Austrians hands flew up, "What is this all about?" he asked.

"Don't pretend you don't know, Austria!" Germany roared, loading the gun.  
"Gilbird's army!" Prussia cried. Gilbird cheeped at him. "_**ATTACK!**_" he screeched.

The birds began to screech with him, going batshit insane and assaulting the Austrian with their sharp beaks. Blood began to seep through his sleeves and drip from his forehead.

"YOU KNOW WHAT WE WANT!" Germany roared, firing a jet of water at Austria.

Austria shook his head vigorously, "NEIN NEIN NEIN I DON'T KNOW."

"We want the Sun!" Prussia exclaimed, spraying some water on Austria as well.

"But...but..." Austria stammered before finally shouting, "I DON'T HAVE SUNNY D."

Germany whipped a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and put them on.  
"Just hand it over Austria!" he growled "THE GAME IS UP!"

There was a moment of tense silence, then Austria slowly reached down into his pocket and pulled out...

A kazoo.

Prussia leaned in, "Yo, what's that." he also was now putting on his own stylish shades. They beared a strange resemblence to the Onceler's.

A bead of sweat rolled down Germany's face.  
"Just don't panic..." he whispered. His face was pale with fear. "It's... it's a kazoo." he breathed, his voice filled with terror.

"I will use this." Austria said, his face deadly serious.  
Prussia and Germany paled.  
"No!" they cried. Prussia screamed in horror as Austria lifted the kazoo.

Even the birds were slowly retreating. Nobody could bear to even listen to the sounds of the kazoo. Austria blew onto the small instrument and immediately the familiar tune of Gangnam Style began to ring through their ears.

Prussia's eyes widened, and he fell to the ground, clutching his ears.

"NOOOO! ANYTHING BUT GANGNAM KAZOO!" he shrieked, his eyes like saucers. Germany tried to block out the sound of it.  
All the Pierres suddenly ceased their attack, their eyes fogging over, then suddenly, every last one of them began to dance to Gangnam Style.  
"FUCK!" screamed Prussia. He began screaming in German, tears streaming down his face.

Just when Germany thought the situation could not get worse, Austria began to play Justin Bieber.

That was when Prussia finally had enough, he grabbed his yellow bird then escaped the madness with a flock of Pierres following close behind. Germany was on his own.

He turned to face the Austrian who had finally stopped playing the kazoo and was smiling maliciously at him.

With a pained expression on his face, Germany whispered very quietly, "It's between you and me, Osterreich..."

Suddenly he slapped the kazoo out of the Austrian's mouth, stomping on it with the full force of his muscled legs.

Austria's violet eyes widened and he let out a scream, falling to his knees and sobbing. Germany chose this moment to sprint past him towards the van, but as he ran, Austria seized his ankle.  
Ludwig howled in agony as he fell to the ground.

"_**CAAAAAAPRIIIIIII!**_" he screamed as he fell.

Austria glared down at the blond, a box of capri sun in hand. Germany gave the Austrian puppy-dog eyes in hope of getting his Precious. What he didn't expect was the box to slam down his head.

* * *

Germany awoke to a terrible headache; he blinked a few times, taking in his surroundings. Somehow he had ended up tied to a chair... in a dark room. He saw a long strand of golden-blonde hair slither in darkness.

"Oh mein gott!" Germany yelped, lifting his feet, "I have ended up in Tangled."

"Hm.." he murmured. "That would make me the extremely sexy Eugene Fitzherbert- Gah! No! Bad thoughts!" Germany hissed, scolding himself mentally.  
He followed the strand of hair with his eyes and it led to a tall, blonde figure wearing a truly magnificent purple coat. Wait a second!  
"Fuck!" Germany yelled. The figure span around and Germany saw a very familiar mole on the face of the "woman"

For some reason, Austria was in a wig. Germany almost laughed, but at that moment Roderich strutted up to him, hands behind his back.

"Why did you want the Capri Suns, Germany?" he hissed, smirking. Germany went red, stammering. Angry at this lack of an answer, Austria produced a Capri Sun and a knife from behind his back. He held the point of the knife to the smiling orange printed on the Capri Sun.

"I will do it." he snarled.

Germany's jaw dropped, "You wouldn't dare touch my Precious!" his squirmed in the chair, tears welling up in his eyes, "Don't..."

Austria pressed the knife's tip to the Capri Sun. Germany felt a tear slide down his cheek; how could this have happened to him? What can he do...? Dramatically and in the most manly fashion possible, he was crying. This was overwhelming for the German man, he couldn't take it.

They both were startled when there was a cracking from up above. Glancing up, Austria frowned, "What is wrong with my ceiling." he shot a look at Germany, "And you, quit your crying!"

"My Precious..."

Suddenly, something crashed down from the ceiling landing on top of the Austrian. There was a strange crunching sound then-

"DOOOITSUUUU!"

"Italy!" Germany gasped. "Oh thank Gott you're here!" he said, holding back his tears. Austria had other ideas.

"I'LL STILL DO THIS!" he yelled, grabbing the knife. Italy just opened his eyes, his face totally blank, then swiped the Capri Sun out of Austria's hand and chugged the whole thing.

"NOOOOOO!" Germany cried. "Italy, how COULD you?" he sobbed, his face red again.

"...ve?"

"YOU HAD ONE JOB, ITALY. ONE JOB." Germany wailed, falling down to his knees.

"Germany, it's okay-"

"You ate my Precious." he hissed, swiping the empty packet away from the Italian.

Before Italy could console the German, a loud vibrating sound came from behind. Germany looked up to see Austria holding a chainsaw with a dangerous glint in his eyes. "OH MEIN GOTT!"

Italy produced about 24 white flags out of nowhere, screaming in Italian about not wanting to die. He flailed his arms about wildly, distracting Austria and also, accidentally pulling Germany's ropes off. Germany kicked the chair away and bolted across the room.

"MEIN GOTT, THE CAPRI SUN!" he screamed, seizing the huge sack containing all of the precious sachets.  
Using all his strength, Ludwig lifted them up and bolted up the stairs.

"FOR NARNIA!" he screamed, barrelling up the staircase and out of the dark basement.

Italy took one look at Austria before retreating upstairs to find Germany and Prussia stuffing Capri Sun in a sack.

"What are you do-" Italy was cut off by being shoved in a sack.

Austria charged up the stairs, bursting into the main room, and Prussia and Germany filled the sacks faster than ever.  
"NO!" he screamed, leaping towards them, but instead he fell flat on his chest. Austria howled in agony, and Germany and Austria flung the sacks of Capri Sun and Italians into the boot of their car and drove off towards their home.

Austria sobbed loudly on the cold floor, screaming profanities. He stumbled to his feet, about to charge after them, when Hungary flew out of the shadows and with a loud CLANG! And a heavy blow to the head with a frying pan, Austria was unconscious.

At the Beilschmidt brothers home, Germany laid back in his chair. He was surrounded by crates of Capri Suns and that was just how he liked it.

Germany kissed the little foil circle just before he pierced it with the orange plastic straw, and a few drops of precious, orange-flavoured nectar fell onto his tongue.

"Mein Liebe..." he whispered, smiling.

(Authors' note)

Thoytsi: Hello, and thank you for reading this random piece of our imaginations!

Lolo: Hii! This came up out of... how did this happen... oh yeah. Capri Sun is German!

Thoytsi: Yep! That's where they were invented and our Hetalia brains translated that into "Germany loves Capri Suns"!

Lolo: So then this happened.

Thoytsi: And so did the cover art which I _totally_ did not draw. Ehem xD

Lolo: Thoytsi is an excellent artist

Thoytsi: Well anyway, we wrote this together and it's 8 pages on Word, so please review! We'd like that!

Lolo: we like that a lot :D Thanks for reading and have a smurftastic day

Thoytsi: Indeed! Thank you, and we hope you enjoyed it :D


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